well this will probably end up very long and if you make it to the end of it, i appreciate it
its sad, a few days ago i was convinced i was finally getting back to my normal self after my winter-recess breakdown haha
alcohol has always been an issue with me. back when i was younger i hated it, i truley thought it was evil and i was this way up until a couple years ago. and i dont know what caused it, whether it be me just gorwing up and going through the phase most kids do, or my constant pretending that i have thicker skin than i actually do and starting to drink just to not be an outsider, or whatever. ive drank rather heavily the past 2 years, the past 7 months especially.
i still have never done a single drug and that im proud of. but ive been close, ive really considered. ive been offered to smoke many times, i lived next to a dealer last year, ive had aderole held up to me in a tube to snort, hell i even had a line of coke in front of my face in the backseat of a car whos driver i had never met before. shit's bad and im glad i never caved.
but alcohol over the past few days has got my head spinning. is it worth it? how many bad things have come from it in most peoples lives compared to the amount of good things? are the good things really that great either? you have fun, and sometimes dont even remember having fun. you can do that without alcohol (or at least i hope you can)
but theres two kinds of mistakes you can make, near mistakes and actual mistakes. near mistakes being somebody stopped you or was looking out for you so you didnt do something like have sex with somebody for a bottle of alcohol, or beat somebody up in your driveway cause he trashed your house which would lead to a lawsuite. that shit is a good bad, cause you avoided shit hitting the fan
but lets look at it this way
maybe when you were young you couldnt handle your liquor and ended up face first in a ditch
and maybe that new years you ended up having yoru friend carry you out of a basement cause you couldnt walk
and then maybe that 4th of july you drank so much at that same friend's band's show that you had to go to the hospital
or maybe one of your first times drinking you ended up hiding in a closet in a bathing suite cause the cops broke up the party and you didnt wanna get caught
and maybe your friend did get caught but her older sister got away
and maybe another night years down the road she got really drunk and had sex with somebody who meant nothing to her
or maybe that guy who fucked her thought it didnt matter, it was a spur of the moment thing, even though he knew one of his close friends really cared about her
so maybe he tells his friend one night when hes drinking too much cause hes depressed about her
so maybe that idiot flips out and drives home drunk and almost dies during the process
and maybe that girl tells him he shouldnt drink so much cause she doesnt like how he is when he drinks, but he keeps drinking anyways
and maybe he doesnt stop for 35 days.
or maybe one day you got fucked up and decided to start trashing somebodys house.
maybe you thought it was funny so you made a habit of it.
maybe one night you were out of control and your friend tried to stop you.
and maybe that friend was too drunk that he just joined in, and broke his knuckle punching a fridge.
and maybe the owner of the fridge thinks its funny.
so maybe one night he broke the window of his best friend's apartment and blamed it on somebody else, only sacking up to it later on.
and then maybe he went back to the fridge guy's house last night and decided itd be funny to wreck his house.
but maybe the kid caught you midway so you flipped out and punched a hole in the wall.
maybe you dont know where your life is going so you drink to get away from it.
and maybe you drink too much that you find yourself in the living room of your boyfriends house crying and asking why he hates you cause youre too drunk to reason with
and maybe your boyfriend flips out one night cause you did the responsible thing and didnt want to drink and drive to pick him up at the bowling alley
so maybe a few days later he doesnt know what do aobut her so just drinks nonstop and ends up just driving around buffalo?
or maybe you were helping friends who were at the bar and couldnt drive, and you went to pick them up
and maybe they bought you a drink and on the way home you got a dwi for trying to be the nice guy
or maybe you ruined fathers day cause you drank too much of his liquor and his house was wrecked and he had to clean it up
but maybe he had it coming to him deep down cause he was a nasty drunk for years
and maybe at one point he would get so drunk him and his wife would fight so bad he'd push her down the stairs or the cops would come.
and maybe they got divorced and it fucked his son up for the rest of his life?
wheres the good in any of that?
it makes me want to consider never drinking again. will this happen though? probably not. i like it too much, its become a good way to escape my problems. it can be an immaculate stimulant or a terrifying depressant
i dont know, its food for thought, but so many things can go wrong it just doesnt seem worth it.
case in point--limousine (ms rebridge) katey flynn.
i told you it'd end up long. holy shit.if you made it till the end, thanks for reading
jc
currently listening to: the devil and god are raging inside me and praying for a new albumand pinkerton
Monday, June 22, 2009
Saturday, May 23, 2009
kids these days.....
so yesterday at work i was standing within earshot of this grandma and her grandson. he was a little guy, probably 5 or 6, still sitting in the kids race-car shopping carts we have. he goes to his grandma 'grandma...i love you' just out of nowhere.
if i was that grandma i would have felt like a million bucks.
for that brief moment i thought 'you know, fuck what my parents have done to me with their divorce, maybe having kids would really be a great thing'
and then the kid said 'after we're done can we go to toys r us?' and the grandma said 'i dont know, maybe.' and then the kid said 'grandma, can we get ice cream....'
spoiled fuckin kids these days.
currently listening to: keep ringing your bell by kdev. that song....wow. kicks my ass.
if i was that grandma i would have felt like a million bucks.
for that brief moment i thought 'you know, fuck what my parents have done to me with their divorce, maybe having kids would really be a great thing'
and then the kid said 'after we're done can we go to toys r us?' and the grandma said 'i dont know, maybe.' and then the kid said 'grandma, can we get ice cream....'
spoiled fuckin kids these days.
currently listening to: keep ringing your bell by kdev. that song....wow. kicks my ass.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
the philosophy of time travel
more on sdarko
WOW. something just came to me while i was trying to go to sleep. i retract everything i said.
this movie is based on lies. HOW DOES SAMANTHA HAVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF TIME TRAVEL? donnie never recieved that book outside of the tangent universe!!! not to mention, according to the newspaper clippings from the website for the first film, the family moved shortly after the first film, so she would have never even had the chance to have dr monotauff as a teacher.
fuck, that pisses me off.
currently listening to: foofighters skinandbones
thanks for reading, watch this movie if you want but i no longer recommend giving it a chance, jc.
WOW. something just came to me while i was trying to go to sleep. i retract everything i said.
this movie is based on lies. HOW DOES SAMANTHA HAVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF TIME TRAVEL? donnie never recieved that book outside of the tangent universe!!! not to mention, according to the newspaper clippings from the website for the first film, the family moved shortly after the first film, so she would have never even had the chance to have dr monotauff as a teacher.
fuck, that pisses me off.
currently listening to: foofighters skinandbones
thanks for reading, watch this movie if you want but i no longer recommend giving it a chance, jc.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
samantha darko
well im going to try and make sense of this movie via the internet right now for everyone here to see, if you'll be that upset, therell probably be some 'spoilers' in here
many people have been very unfair in their harsh words for this movie, it is not a bad movie at all. BUT it is not a great movie either. i would considerate moderatly good. now i went into this movie wanting to hate it, after 4 minutes i hated it, when that damn unicorn ran through the clowds in sam's mind i wanted to punch my computer screen. but i kept watching. and it grew on me
there were some awful parts besides that one as well, the scene where they were in the movie theatre was really corny, the way memories and images would play on the screen and the lights would dim. that was over the top. but some parts i was impressed with. them not coming out and saying the priest killed the kids was kind of donnie'esque, with the bracelets and what not.
but what didnt put this movie on the level of greatness that is donnie darko is that it was lacking something. some overall cause or motive that would explain why things were happening. what made the first movie so great was that everythign fit together and after you watched it once you were confused but knew the answers were there so you could go and find them. this, the answers arent there. it doesnt explain how sam could time travel, it doesnt explain why she wanted to go home or if she remembered what she did. its not like she had been working on all of this sense donnie died, cause theres a scene where shes trying to comprehend the philosophy of time travel. so somehow things just happened. everything with her, corey (who was gorgeous and i almost fell in love as hard as i did for gretchen), justin, and the boy didnt explain itself well.
another thing that got on my nerves was how donnie's parents were portrayed in this movie. i dont know how they could be seen as assholes who dont care for their kids. i mean rose took sam all the way to cali for that bullshit sparkle motion performance and eddie seemed like the most loving dad you could have. it just got on my nerves in that sense, but i guess a lot can happen in 9 years....
this movie is getting shit cause people want it to be donnie darko and are going into it saying 'it sucks' without giving it a chance. its NOT donnie darko, and it wont end up ever being it. but its a good movie in its own sense. it carries a good story with enough referances to make it a sequel, its just not in the same realm of the original. but, as many people say, the sequel is never as good as the original?
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
the "n" word
is this meant to be racist? in the words of (ironically enough) chris rock '...not really'
im sick and tired of this fucking word. if i offend anyone, im sorry, but i cant stand it anymore. this word is the single most racist thing in our vocabulary and not from a white perspective. its the other way around. ill be standing in line to get food at school and i cant go two minutes without hearing somebody just saying it as loud as they can. and they use it like its some random ass word, like 'buddy' or 'friend' or 'guy' (not a south park referance, that one is coming later). and its not just black people. no no, any "minority" race can say this word like its the name of their first born. well you know what, i dont like hearing it. at all. so shut the fuck up.
and whats worse is when white people say it, the kind of uproar it causes. how could he? what was he thinking? what a racist asshole. NO. if anyone in the world can say it all day every day in regular conversation except white people then it is not racist. the 'ethnic slur' has been completely taken out of it. now i dont say the word except on rare occasion, i dont like to, if i did i feel id be being hypocritical, but i just dont want to hear it anymore. its the most back-assed word in the english language and the way people take offense to it but then use it like its a fucking pronoun disgusts me. make up your goddamn minds. either hate the word and take offense to it, or dont give a damn. dont do one or the other depending on what's conveniant.
while im just pissed off, when are people going to give up on the obama is god hype? we're 100 days in and barely anything has changed, as far as im concerned things are just as bad if not worse. hell, hes already spent more money than george bush did in 8 years. thats ludacris. and again, the way black people worship him on their t-shirts and pins and flyers is disgusting. listen, we dont have a black president. stop being so racist. hes of mixed decent, hell i dont even think hes half black. so STOP. stop being so fucking racist. hell even south park didnt make him look black! if anything they had it pegged best in the episode after he won, nothing has changed, randy marsh let us all know this.
and another thing, learn your issues! if you want to be proud of him because he has some shared decent then great, but LEARN THE ISSUES. i cant even count how many people ive talked to who love the guy but didnt know anything he stood for in the campaign. its just disgusting.
currently listening to: new manchester orchestra and kdev records
thanks, jc.
im sick and tired of this fucking word. if i offend anyone, im sorry, but i cant stand it anymore. this word is the single most racist thing in our vocabulary and not from a white perspective. its the other way around. ill be standing in line to get food at school and i cant go two minutes without hearing somebody just saying it as loud as they can. and they use it like its some random ass word, like 'buddy' or 'friend' or 'guy' (not a south park referance, that one is coming later). and its not just black people. no no, any "minority" race can say this word like its the name of their first born. well you know what, i dont like hearing it. at all. so shut the fuck up.
and whats worse is when white people say it, the kind of uproar it causes. how could he? what was he thinking? what a racist asshole. NO. if anyone in the world can say it all day every day in regular conversation except white people then it is not racist. the 'ethnic slur' has been completely taken out of it. now i dont say the word except on rare occasion, i dont like to, if i did i feel id be being hypocritical, but i just dont want to hear it anymore. its the most back-assed word in the english language and the way people take offense to it but then use it like its a fucking pronoun disgusts me. make up your goddamn minds. either hate the word and take offense to it, or dont give a damn. dont do one or the other depending on what's conveniant.
while im just pissed off, when are people going to give up on the obama is god hype? we're 100 days in and barely anything has changed, as far as im concerned things are just as bad if not worse. hell, hes already spent more money than george bush did in 8 years. thats ludacris. and again, the way black people worship him on their t-shirts and pins and flyers is disgusting. listen, we dont have a black president. stop being so racist. hes of mixed decent, hell i dont even think hes half black. so STOP. stop being so fucking racist. hell even south park didnt make him look black! if anything they had it pegged best in the episode after he won, nothing has changed, randy marsh let us all know this.
and another thing, learn your issues! if you want to be proud of him because he has some shared decent then great, but LEARN THE ISSUES. i cant even count how many people ive talked to who love the guy but didnt know anything he stood for in the campaign. its just disgusting.
currently listening to: new manchester orchestra and kdev records
thanks, jc.
Monday, April 20, 2009
something great.
when its raining like mad, and you're driving. and you go underneath a highway or train overpass and the rain stops and everything is calm for about 2 seconds. its so peaceful for that split second in time
Friday, April 17, 2009
why america is(nt) the greatest country in the world
over the easter holiday i had a very thought provoking experience. i spent the weekend in virginia at my uncles house right outside of washington dc. on that saturday, i-against my better judgement-did the tourist thing for the first time in my life. i set out with my cousins and their parents to see the sites of dc
now my cousin had spent the past summer working there, so he knew hte city and wanted to show us the buildings he had worked on. and driving through the city, just looking at the surrondings it came to me why people think america is the greatest place in the world. i understand why people wnat to come here now and i understand why so many of us are high on ourselves. the city was friggin beautiful. it really was. it made buffalo look like baghdad.
this is what people see when they turn on their tvs across the world or pick up a magazine. the skyscrappers were picture perfect, there was construction everywhere with new buildings going up, the architecture was spectacular, the capital building looked even better in person than in pictures. if people were to see this its no wonder they woudl go 'wow, this is the shit right here, this is what i want'
but thats the problem. thats not america. thats part of america, thats the good side. but i guess in a sense this country is like a family, theres always that crazy uncle or the brother nobody talks to, or maybe that cousin went to jail. its not all this perfect picture you see in magazines. theres a lot of problems here, and if you come to buffalo its obvious. but if you only see the good side, then yeah it looks damn good.
so i guess maybe its time to stop criticizing someone for saying this is the greatest place to live, maybe its just time to point out the pros and cons. ive always been confrontational (maybe why some of my friends have been completely unreliable as of late, maybe they're tired of it) but i think its better to throw your ideas out there than keep them to your self...or even worse, not have any of your own at all.
but this whole trip really left me depressed with the state of my life. ive never been anywhere. im 20 years old, have gone on one real vacation and it was back when i was 8 years old. ive gone on these mini trips to virginia, and ive been to boston and that infamous chicago trip, but thats it. i havent seen shit, i have no idea whats out there, and i really want to know. ive been on autopilot for a good 3 months now, maybe longer, and i guess im just tired of it. whats life if your not trying to acheive your goals?
it sure would be nice to have some friends you could count on and rely on though. oh well, hopefully everything will work out one day
currently listening to: akron/family "shoes"
and you laugh so hard, it hurts your sides in pain. as you approach the sun...it rains on everyone
now my cousin had spent the past summer working there, so he knew hte city and wanted to show us the buildings he had worked on. and driving through the city, just looking at the surrondings it came to me why people think america is the greatest place in the world. i understand why people wnat to come here now and i understand why so many of us are high on ourselves. the city was friggin beautiful. it really was. it made buffalo look like baghdad.
this is what people see when they turn on their tvs across the world or pick up a magazine. the skyscrappers were picture perfect, there was construction everywhere with new buildings going up, the architecture was spectacular, the capital building looked even better in person than in pictures. if people were to see this its no wonder they woudl go 'wow, this is the shit right here, this is what i want'
but thats the problem. thats not america. thats part of america, thats the good side. but i guess in a sense this country is like a family, theres always that crazy uncle or the brother nobody talks to, or maybe that cousin went to jail. its not all this perfect picture you see in magazines. theres a lot of problems here, and if you come to buffalo its obvious. but if you only see the good side, then yeah it looks damn good.
so i guess maybe its time to stop criticizing someone for saying this is the greatest place to live, maybe its just time to point out the pros and cons. ive always been confrontational (maybe why some of my friends have been completely unreliable as of late, maybe they're tired of it) but i think its better to throw your ideas out there than keep them to your self...or even worse, not have any of your own at all.
but this whole trip really left me depressed with the state of my life. ive never been anywhere. im 20 years old, have gone on one real vacation and it was back when i was 8 years old. ive gone on these mini trips to virginia, and ive been to boston and that infamous chicago trip, but thats it. i havent seen shit, i have no idea whats out there, and i really want to know. ive been on autopilot for a good 3 months now, maybe longer, and i guess im just tired of it. whats life if your not trying to acheive your goals?
it sure would be nice to have some friends you could count on and rely on though. oh well, hopefully everything will work out one day
currently listening to: akron/family "shoes"
and you laugh so hard, it hurts your sides in pain. as you approach the sun...it rains on everyone
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
teaching versus parenting
one would think the two go hand in hand. they dont. ive been figuring this out the past month or so.
i coach youth wrestling, and two of the kids are the kids of my favorite teacher i ever had. he's a stand up guy, a really good person, and a teacher that really cares and gets the job done. his kids are not a reflection of him in any way. his kids dont listen to anything, run around like they own the place, and the older one is old enough to be a legit asshole.
i dont understand how someone who is so tough on their kids and expects so much of them in the classroom can have kids that are the exact opposite. is it cause they're not to an age he is used to or is it just that he loves them too much to come down on them?
parenting is just a weird thing in general though, some parents do nothing to regulate what they do and the kid turns out awful, but sometimes the kid turns out fine. sometimes the parents do too much to protect their kid and the kid might turn out to be awful, or, in my case, completely dispise his parents and the attitudes they have towards everything. but i guess i would think the way you treat your students would be much like how you would treat your kids. especially seeing what he does in the classroom works
now i dont have the courage to walk up to him and tell him 'how can you let your kids act like assholes?' but i want to know if he sees it and what his take is on it. ive talked to him about everything thats ever bothered me except for this, and i wish i could. maybe becuase this isnt personal to me, it is to him, and thats what bothers me? i dont know, but i just dont understand how parenting works. i never want to be a parent because of how my parents turned out, not saying i might not, if im truley in love or some bullshit that wont happen cause of how my luck works, but i just dont get it.
as a parent how do you know when to let your kids do certain things? or when the kid moves out, when do they stop having a bedroom in your house? do you take htier shit out? or hope they take it all out and wait till they do? when does it end up in a box in the attic? i mean eddie dirosa's snowboading ramp got taken down, i noticed that today. i dont talk to eddie as much as i wish i did nowadays, but i wonder if he had a say in that or if his parents just felt it was time.
the world is an interesting...and often times terrifying place
currently listening to:
radio-alkaline trio
i coach youth wrestling, and two of the kids are the kids of my favorite teacher i ever had. he's a stand up guy, a really good person, and a teacher that really cares and gets the job done. his kids are not a reflection of him in any way. his kids dont listen to anything, run around like they own the place, and the older one is old enough to be a legit asshole.
i dont understand how someone who is so tough on their kids and expects so much of them in the classroom can have kids that are the exact opposite. is it cause they're not to an age he is used to or is it just that he loves them too much to come down on them?
parenting is just a weird thing in general though, some parents do nothing to regulate what they do and the kid turns out awful, but sometimes the kid turns out fine. sometimes the parents do too much to protect their kid and the kid might turn out to be awful, or, in my case, completely dispise his parents and the attitudes they have towards everything. but i guess i would think the way you treat your students would be much like how you would treat your kids. especially seeing what he does in the classroom works
now i dont have the courage to walk up to him and tell him 'how can you let your kids act like assholes?' but i want to know if he sees it and what his take is on it. ive talked to him about everything thats ever bothered me except for this, and i wish i could. maybe becuase this isnt personal to me, it is to him, and thats what bothers me? i dont know, but i just dont understand how parenting works. i never want to be a parent because of how my parents turned out, not saying i might not, if im truley in love or some bullshit that wont happen cause of how my luck works, but i just dont get it.
as a parent how do you know when to let your kids do certain things? or when the kid moves out, when do they stop having a bedroom in your house? do you take htier shit out? or hope they take it all out and wait till they do? when does it end up in a box in the attic? i mean eddie dirosa's snowboading ramp got taken down, i noticed that today. i dont talk to eddie as much as i wish i did nowadays, but i wonder if he had a say in that or if his parents just felt it was time.
the world is an interesting...and often times terrifying place
currently listening to:
radio-alkaline trio
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
nice guys finish last.
who said theres no truth to cliches?
there really is. in every sense of the statement, nice guys finish last and assholes get ahead. need proof?
the biggest asshole i know treats his girlfriend like shit but she does everything she can to stay with him. meanwhile this asshole treats me like shit whenever he can when ive never done anything to warrant it. hes one of those self proclaimed tough guys, he thinks he's an all american bad ass and thinks he can do whatever he want, so he only treats the people he wants nice and shits on everyone else. but this guy has a girl whos begging to stay with him.
another example. a different girl, one whos very close to my heart, dated an asshole for probably a good 6 months. this guy, at one point prior to them dating, told her he hoped she was pregnant after hearing a rumor about me and her that was completely made up. the guy was a piece of shit, he told her she couldnt tlak to me, just smoked pot all day, was a bro and a tooll by all definition, yet she loved the kid and got mad if i criticized him and would rather be with him than even talk to me.
same girl, different guy, a guy who was a friend of mine, but by every definition a jerk. the guy openly wanted one thing out of girls, all he wanted was to fuck them. i knew him when he was a virgin, i heard about his first time, i heard how he talked to girls, and i hated everything about his approach to girls. he graduates school, starts smoking cigarettes, does every drug he can get his hand on, pretends to be a hobo of all things for attention, doesnt do anything as far as a higher education goes, but somehow manages to take advantage of this girl one night. nice guys finish last, assholes get ahead.
not that im saying thats getting ahead, but its certainly not finishing last. her response was "i wish i didnt happen and i dont like to think about it, im sure he feels the same way." wrong. this is the kind of guy who has notches on his built. yes another cliche but thats how it is.
now ive always tried to be there for this girl and we've had both the best relationship you can have and the worst, but at the moment she hasnt talked to me in a month. but these assholes can get whatever they want out of her.
its sickening
so now comes a story from today. im driving to drop off a letter in regards to my parents going to court tomorrow. im going through the construction on route 5 and i see in the lane going back towards the city a cop has someone pulled over. i know the cop is going to be there on my way back, i gotta make sure i slow down. on my way back, im trying to maintain a legal speed but a guy is right on my ass and hteres people in the other lane going at...what would be the flow of traffic. i cant really slow down. never the less, once i get to where the detour starts, i start slowing down regardless of the asshole tailgating me. but theres the cop. sticks his finger out at me, pulls me over. the guy behind me breaks his fuckin ass off, so the cop cant tell hes tailgating. so again, the asshole gets away fine.
its bullshit the way life works sometimes. it really is. i wish i understood why.
____________________________________________________________
while im ranting, ive had some negative feedback to some of what ive wrote on here. not a lot of people have read it or told me their thoughts on what theyve read and im fine that, but one person in particular i dont even know who they are. i could go on and on and clarify what i meant in the posts that they criticize but im not going to, many of their complaints are in response to things they took or read the wrong way. i try not to ramble too much cause id get lost in my thoughts and these posts would be days long if i did and were to get EXACTLY what i meant across. so i try my best. im not going to say to stop with the feedback, you're more than welcome ot say what you want, and if you dont want me to ever know who you are either, thats fine. im just glad you're taking the time to read and maybe we can open up a dialogue on whats really fucking wrong with this world
thanks for reading.
jc.
there really is. in every sense of the statement, nice guys finish last and assholes get ahead. need proof?
the biggest asshole i know treats his girlfriend like shit but she does everything she can to stay with him. meanwhile this asshole treats me like shit whenever he can when ive never done anything to warrant it. hes one of those self proclaimed tough guys, he thinks he's an all american bad ass and thinks he can do whatever he want, so he only treats the people he wants nice and shits on everyone else. but this guy has a girl whos begging to stay with him.
another example. a different girl, one whos very close to my heart, dated an asshole for probably a good 6 months. this guy, at one point prior to them dating, told her he hoped she was pregnant after hearing a rumor about me and her that was completely made up. the guy was a piece of shit, he told her she couldnt tlak to me, just smoked pot all day, was a bro and a tooll by all definition, yet she loved the kid and got mad if i criticized him and would rather be with him than even talk to me.
same girl, different guy, a guy who was a friend of mine, but by every definition a jerk. the guy openly wanted one thing out of girls, all he wanted was to fuck them. i knew him when he was a virgin, i heard about his first time, i heard how he talked to girls, and i hated everything about his approach to girls. he graduates school, starts smoking cigarettes, does every drug he can get his hand on, pretends to be a hobo of all things for attention, doesnt do anything as far as a higher education goes, but somehow manages to take advantage of this girl one night. nice guys finish last, assholes get ahead.
not that im saying thats getting ahead, but its certainly not finishing last. her response was "i wish i didnt happen and i dont like to think about it, im sure he feels the same way." wrong. this is the kind of guy who has notches on his built. yes another cliche but thats how it is.
now ive always tried to be there for this girl and we've had both the best relationship you can have and the worst, but at the moment she hasnt talked to me in a month. but these assholes can get whatever they want out of her.
its sickening
so now comes a story from today. im driving to drop off a letter in regards to my parents going to court tomorrow. im going through the construction on route 5 and i see in the lane going back towards the city a cop has someone pulled over. i know the cop is going to be there on my way back, i gotta make sure i slow down. on my way back, im trying to maintain a legal speed but a guy is right on my ass and hteres people in the other lane going at...what would be the flow of traffic. i cant really slow down. never the less, once i get to where the detour starts, i start slowing down regardless of the asshole tailgating me. but theres the cop. sticks his finger out at me, pulls me over. the guy behind me breaks his fuckin ass off, so the cop cant tell hes tailgating. so again, the asshole gets away fine.
its bullshit the way life works sometimes. it really is. i wish i understood why.
____________________________________________________________
while im ranting, ive had some negative feedback to some of what ive wrote on here. not a lot of people have read it or told me their thoughts on what theyve read and im fine that, but one person in particular i dont even know who they are. i could go on and on and clarify what i meant in the posts that they criticize but im not going to, many of their complaints are in response to things they took or read the wrong way. i try not to ramble too much cause id get lost in my thoughts and these posts would be days long if i did and were to get EXACTLY what i meant across. so i try my best. im not going to say to stop with the feedback, you're more than welcome ot say what you want, and if you dont want me to ever know who you are either, thats fine. im just glad you're taking the time to read and maybe we can open up a dialogue on whats really fucking wrong with this world
thanks for reading.
jc.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
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this picture was taken today, it amazes me that this tree still has this many leaves on it. they were able to withstand 100" of snow fall this winter, ridiculously high winds as recent as yesterday, and the havoc of asshole college students. it had to suck for the leaves. watching all the neighbor trees lose theirs, while at the same time they were drying up, loosing color, and crinkling to all hell, loosing all their use.
it had to get old after a while, seeing everyone they know dying. i mean, i know 2 people who died in the past month and someone whos deathly ill, and that alone is awful. maybe leaves dont have feelings, and maybe i didnt know the 2 people all that well, but it still is an uneasy feeling. i mean tim payne used to sit with me at lunch back in junior high when i was an annoying little fuck who nobody could stand. and maybe in recent days he was the butt of jokes just for the sake of not having seen the kid in forever, but he shouldnt have had to get hit by a car walking home and i dont know how the guy who hit him could live with himself as he drove away. but either way, it sucks when people you know die, especially when they're your age, or in the tree's situation, your neighbors
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
people. good and bad.
its tough for me to figure out how to say everything ive felt about people in the world over the past few months without sounding incoherent and directionless but im going to do my best.
one thing ive learned lately, regardless of how depressing this sounds, i really believe that there are good people out in the world, they're just really tough to find sometimes.
in general people are an awful, wretched species and it's sad that we run the fucking world. this country just seeps with arrogance from all angles and it really bothers me. race is an issue ive always tried to side-step, but, being a country boy, i group up around racism, its how the world works. is it sad? yes it is. but i still firmly believe that there are both good people and scum bags in each race. but why do the people who are the scum bags, especially in minority groups, not give a fuck about the image they're presenting? if you're race is already looked down upon in society, why not work a little harder to try and better that image? why dont people care? people are fine nowadays just slipping into a stereotype and living out their life there. i mean...have some fucking self respect, just cause its expected of you to be ignorant, doesn't mean you have to parade your ignorance around. obama supporters were the perfect example of this, in all cultures, white black green yellow. they sucked his dick. he was jesus during the election. and half of his supporters didnt know a single one of his policies. so when he gets elected people run around like lunatics celebrating how great a day this is. so i stop some of them and ask them about his policies. they dont know. shocking. but then i get mad at them and tell them to act like civilized people. and im told to 'fuck off.' nicely done. way to just slip into a stereotype and be ok with that.
people are just too okay with mediocrity these days. they see it everywhere so why should they expect anything better from themselves? i dont understand it.
people are greedy, arrogant, often times ignorant fucks and it grows harder for me each day to deal with most people. but there are good people in the world. there really is. it doesn't take much to bring a smile to my face either, if somebody holds a door for me when im a few yards from the door on a cold day im thrilled. if i see somebody stop and help somebody pick up a paper or a book they dropped, i think its great. what really made me happy came at the expense of an asshole the other day, which is too bad. a lady 'fell' in the parking lot of home depot the other day and cut her head open. she was parked in a handicapped spot but had no visible handicapp whatsoever which pisses me off so much every time i see it. so shes sitting in the office talking about her head is spinning and blah blah blah, and in walks this guy 'hey im a volunteer medic, somebody's hurt?' the manager asks 'were you called? do you have the truck?' 'no, i just heard so i came right over.' fucking go that guy. good for him. he didnt need to be there, nobody asked him, he volunteered. and thats really great. there needs to be more people who give a fuck and there needs to be more people who work to better this world.
now im going to talk about smoking here for a second. im not going to lecture or anything, but cigarettes to me....blow my fucking mind. i know its close minded to say i think most people who smoke cigarettes are assholes but i think a lot of them are. the difference between the assholes and the 'casual smokers' or the normal good-hearted people who smoke is pretty simple. i think if you're old and smoke then you have the potential to be a great person cause when you started you didnt know better. and if you casually smoke then that's fine too, but people who are addicted to it and do it all the time....fuck you.
theres a few people, one guy im thinking of right now in particular, who are ALWAYS outside of my dorm smoking, they're there litterally 8 out of 10 times i walk in. regardless of the weather. it could be a negative degree day and there they are. is it worth it? you know you're polluting your body, so why not say 'hey the weather sucks, i dont need a cigarette right now, its good for me anyways' have some self respect?! but this one guy...oh this one fucking guy....every time, hes wearing the smae thing, sabres sweatshirt and shorts, again regardless of the weather. and pink headphones like hes trying to make a point. and he always stares at you when you walk in, and always has this grimmace on his face like hes fucking pissed off. the kind of guy who probably thinks he looks cool smoking. i just want to punch him sometimes, dont fuckign stare at me, i dont want you to attract attention to yourself.
it just pisses me off, i wish there werent so many assholes.
one thing ive learned lately, regardless of how depressing this sounds, i really believe that there are good people out in the world, they're just really tough to find sometimes.
in general people are an awful, wretched species and it's sad that we run the fucking world. this country just seeps with arrogance from all angles and it really bothers me. race is an issue ive always tried to side-step, but, being a country boy, i group up around racism, its how the world works. is it sad? yes it is. but i still firmly believe that there are both good people and scum bags in each race. but why do the people who are the scum bags, especially in minority groups, not give a fuck about the image they're presenting? if you're race is already looked down upon in society, why not work a little harder to try and better that image? why dont people care? people are fine nowadays just slipping into a stereotype and living out their life there. i mean...have some fucking self respect, just cause its expected of you to be ignorant, doesn't mean you have to parade your ignorance around. obama supporters were the perfect example of this, in all cultures, white black green yellow. they sucked his dick. he was jesus during the election. and half of his supporters didnt know a single one of his policies. so when he gets elected people run around like lunatics celebrating how great a day this is. so i stop some of them and ask them about his policies. they dont know. shocking. but then i get mad at them and tell them to act like civilized people. and im told to 'fuck off.' nicely done. way to just slip into a stereotype and be ok with that.
people are just too okay with mediocrity these days. they see it everywhere so why should they expect anything better from themselves? i dont understand it.
people are greedy, arrogant, often times ignorant fucks and it grows harder for me each day to deal with most people. but there are good people in the world. there really is. it doesn't take much to bring a smile to my face either, if somebody holds a door for me when im a few yards from the door on a cold day im thrilled. if i see somebody stop and help somebody pick up a paper or a book they dropped, i think its great. what really made me happy came at the expense of an asshole the other day, which is too bad. a lady 'fell' in the parking lot of home depot the other day and cut her head open. she was parked in a handicapped spot but had no visible handicapp whatsoever which pisses me off so much every time i see it. so shes sitting in the office talking about her head is spinning and blah blah blah, and in walks this guy 'hey im a volunteer medic, somebody's hurt?' the manager asks 'were you called? do you have the truck?' 'no, i just heard so i came right over.' fucking go that guy. good for him. he didnt need to be there, nobody asked him, he volunteered. and thats really great. there needs to be more people who give a fuck and there needs to be more people who work to better this world.
now im going to talk about smoking here for a second. im not going to lecture or anything, but cigarettes to me....blow my fucking mind. i know its close minded to say i think most people who smoke cigarettes are assholes but i think a lot of them are. the difference between the assholes and the 'casual smokers' or the normal good-hearted people who smoke is pretty simple. i think if you're old and smoke then you have the potential to be a great person cause when you started you didnt know better. and if you casually smoke then that's fine too, but people who are addicted to it and do it all the time....fuck you.
theres a few people, one guy im thinking of right now in particular, who are ALWAYS outside of my dorm smoking, they're there litterally 8 out of 10 times i walk in. regardless of the weather. it could be a negative degree day and there they are. is it worth it? you know you're polluting your body, so why not say 'hey the weather sucks, i dont need a cigarette right now, its good for me anyways' have some self respect?! but this one guy...oh this one fucking guy....every time, hes wearing the smae thing, sabres sweatshirt and shorts, again regardless of the weather. and pink headphones like hes trying to make a point. and he always stares at you when you walk in, and always has this grimmace on his face like hes fucking pissed off. the kind of guy who probably thinks he looks cool smoking. i just want to punch him sometimes, dont fuckign stare at me, i dont want you to attract attention to yourself.
it just pisses me off, i wish there werent so many assholes.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
dying.
i dont know where my good mood i had monday went but after a conversation with somebody that was a lot more thought provoking than i thought i could get out of him, im very confused and rather troubled about life right now. ive been discovering a lot about myself lately and today i think i figured out quiet a bit
does anyone know where we go after we die? no. will anyone ever? no.
its scary. its really truely scary. one can put their hope in faith and you can hope religion has taught you right, but who really knows? years ago religion told us the earth was the center of the universe and that god created man and evolution wasnt possible. now we know both of these are not true, so who knows where science will take us with our beliefs in the next hundred years (if the earth makes it that long)
ive been lucky enough personally that i havent had to be at a funeral in some time. the last time was 4 years ago when jeremy krencik passed away. unfortunately this year doesnt look so promising as the past couple, with my step dad's grandma being told how long she has to live, and even with the freak plane crash that happened last night killing someone i graduated with. and it really bothers me with people my age dying. its happened to me twice now and both times ive felt incredibly disenfranchised with the people around me and the way my age group has handled it. i may sound arrogant with what im going to say but its not my intentions at all, by no means am i trying to tarnish jeremy or beth's memorys, but i just wish people my age would handle it differently
im not scared of dying. im really not. ive often said this too. but what i am scared of is what will happen after i die. not in the 'jesus christ im not scared to die' jtl way, but in the my memory way. i was so mad when jeremy died because of how people reacted. suddenly he was everybodys best friend. bullshit. i hung out with the kid like 2 times and wrestled with him for two years and i knew him better than some of the people saying these things. it was so fucked up. dont pretend to be attatched to him so you can morn with the people who WERE attatched to him. and the same thing is happening today. im seeing away messages and status messages and what not like 'oh i cant believe this, ill miss you' and im sorry but no. i honestly can not remember the last time i talked to beth, which is sad to say, yes i know, and yes i did know her when i was younger, i talked to her a lot growing up, we were on the same bus. but im not going to pretend im heartbroken over this. im more troubled than anything. i would never want this to happen to me. maybe thats why i keep to myself most of the time, cause i dont want people to pretend they were my best friend if i were to die. im so scared of this. i only want the people who really truley cared about me every day i was alive to morn my death, i dont need other people being emotionally hurt when theres no need for them to be.
this being said, im so scared right now that a couple of the people i love the most in life arent getting along with me. what something happened to one of us when things arent resolved? how would those people or how would i feel? where do you go then? do you just feel like shit your whole life? i imagine it would be tough to focus on the good times.
another thing that really is bothering me is memories. jeremy in specific really bothers me. i remember the nigth after he died his dad was on the news (ch 7 i think) and he said 'i just dont want people to forget about him' and i remember talking about it at a wrestling meeting for his funeral the next day and tom caldwell said in a sort of call-response way 'dont worry, we wont.' is this true? im worried the people who were really close to him have forgotten about him to an extent. im sure he still creeps up into their memory now and then, but probably in a completely different way. i mean i know i have, i think about him a lot though just in ways like this, ways that bother me and scare me. i saw his dad at work about a month ago and i couldnt even go up and say hi to him, i was terrified. this all just scares me so much cause im so scared of being forgotten. i would love to die at some point where i have somehting for people to always remember me by, but most people dont have this privelage.
im just so scared of what happens when you die. maybe the world ending isnt a bad thing, that way people die and theres no morning, no sadness, no time to forget.
my heart really does go out to beth's family, and i by no means am trying to offend, im just trying to figure out my own insecurities here, it really is a scary thing.
does anyone know where we go after we die? no. will anyone ever? no.
its scary. its really truely scary. one can put their hope in faith and you can hope religion has taught you right, but who really knows? years ago religion told us the earth was the center of the universe and that god created man and evolution wasnt possible. now we know both of these are not true, so who knows where science will take us with our beliefs in the next hundred years (if the earth makes it that long)
ive been lucky enough personally that i havent had to be at a funeral in some time. the last time was 4 years ago when jeremy krencik passed away. unfortunately this year doesnt look so promising as the past couple, with my step dad's grandma being told how long she has to live, and even with the freak plane crash that happened last night killing someone i graduated with. and it really bothers me with people my age dying. its happened to me twice now and both times ive felt incredibly disenfranchised with the people around me and the way my age group has handled it. i may sound arrogant with what im going to say but its not my intentions at all, by no means am i trying to tarnish jeremy or beth's memorys, but i just wish people my age would handle it differently
im not scared of dying. im really not. ive often said this too. but what i am scared of is what will happen after i die. not in the 'jesus christ im not scared to die' jtl way, but in the my memory way. i was so mad when jeremy died because of how people reacted. suddenly he was everybodys best friend. bullshit. i hung out with the kid like 2 times and wrestled with him for two years and i knew him better than some of the people saying these things. it was so fucked up. dont pretend to be attatched to him so you can morn with the people who WERE attatched to him. and the same thing is happening today. im seeing away messages and status messages and what not like 'oh i cant believe this, ill miss you' and im sorry but no. i honestly can not remember the last time i talked to beth, which is sad to say, yes i know, and yes i did know her when i was younger, i talked to her a lot growing up, we were on the same bus. but im not going to pretend im heartbroken over this. im more troubled than anything. i would never want this to happen to me. maybe thats why i keep to myself most of the time, cause i dont want people to pretend they were my best friend if i were to die. im so scared of this. i only want the people who really truley cared about me every day i was alive to morn my death, i dont need other people being emotionally hurt when theres no need for them to be.
this being said, im so scared right now that a couple of the people i love the most in life arent getting along with me. what something happened to one of us when things arent resolved? how would those people or how would i feel? where do you go then? do you just feel like shit your whole life? i imagine it would be tough to focus on the good times.
another thing that really is bothering me is memories. jeremy in specific really bothers me. i remember the nigth after he died his dad was on the news (ch 7 i think) and he said 'i just dont want people to forget about him' and i remember talking about it at a wrestling meeting for his funeral the next day and tom caldwell said in a sort of call-response way 'dont worry, we wont.' is this true? im worried the people who were really close to him have forgotten about him to an extent. im sure he still creeps up into their memory now and then, but probably in a completely different way. i mean i know i have, i think about him a lot though just in ways like this, ways that bother me and scare me. i saw his dad at work about a month ago and i couldnt even go up and say hi to him, i was terrified. this all just scares me so much cause im so scared of being forgotten. i would love to die at some point where i have somehting for people to always remember me by, but most people dont have this privelage.
im just so scared of what happens when you die. maybe the world ending isnt a bad thing, that way people die and theres no morning, no sadness, no time to forget.
my heart really does go out to beth's family, and i by no means am trying to offend, im just trying to figure out my own insecurities here, it really is a scary thing.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
life and lives
so tonight on the daily show, jon was doing his typica mix and mash editing to make our new president, or 'jesus' as some people like to refer to him, look like a fool. so be it, i have no problem with this, people need to realize the guy isn't our savior just yet (not saying he might not be at one point but right now....nah not yet) and if the daily show is what does it, then thats fine. but he got to a clip where a reporter asked him about steroids in baseball. jon didnt show the response, but they had showed it the night before on sports center (my roommate watches it religiously). and for the first time im willing to admit, i liked his response, i really did. he commented on how he feels kids should see this as a sign that you cant take shortcuts to get what you want and that he wishes athletes like A-Rod were better role models to kids. during the mike and mike show, i caught that basketball announcer who does the ncaa tournament, his name escapes me, but he went off on this thing. he got pissed off, shouting about how rodriguez and phelps and other celebrities are disgusting role models and you know what, hes fucking right. this is the first time ive ever been happy with the way television has handled a celebrity issue. but really.
this is whats wrong with america.
the fact that over-paid entertainment acts like pacman jones or paris hilton can feel like they can do whatever they want and get away with it is disgusting. and what do kids see? its not like they're not going to see it on tv, cause with entertainment tonight or mtv news or e! its all thats ever on tv. we focus on celebrity fuck-ups and the coinciding celebrity get-off-the-hooks. so what kind of lesson is this teaching? its saying go do drugs, cheat your way through life, look at them, she went to jail for a day. big deal. fuck the media and im glad people got pissed off at a-rod and michael phelps. they should have better judgement.
now on a more personal note, i had a voicemail from my mom today saying my step-dads grandma (i suppose she'd be my great grandma) has cancer again. this is a sad thing, shes been dealing with it for over a year now and we all kind of thought she was getting better. i mean this is something you kind of see coming, everyone gets old and everyone passes away eventually, but the news she got disturbed me. apparently if she goes through kemo again she has 8-12 months to live, if she doesn't she has 3-6 months. how can someone say that to you? what in the fuck would you do? i wanted to call her and talk to her about this but i felt it would be too hard to do. how do you put time restraints on the biggest of life issues and then how do you handle it. in this situation, shes an elderly lady and shes struggled with kemo before, she feels like shit after she does it every time. so i want to know if she'd be worth doing it again. shes lived a long mostly-healthy life and i suppose that if i were in her situation it comes down to are you happy with what youve done in your life? i think that makes this decision the hardest, cause if you're not happy with your life then how do you say good bye to it? but if you are happy with it, then maybe its time to enjoy life and let things happen as they happen. enjoy life and dont struggle. you dont always have to go out fighting as long as you won the first 14 rounds.
i think this can be applied to every-day life now that i think about it, as a matter of a fact i did use this earlier today and i just pray to god the person i brought up to didnt see it as a sympathy card i was trying to play to win her over. but if you work at something for a long time that is a huge part of your life, i think its so much easier to let go when you can look back on it and smile. if you look back on it and smile, cry, get mad, and feel awkward all at once, then maybe its not time to hang it up, maybe you make that last push and hope that you can go the extra little bit and then quit with a smile on your face.
thanks for reading. jc.
this is whats wrong with america.
the fact that over-paid entertainment acts like pacman jones or paris hilton can feel like they can do whatever they want and get away with it is disgusting. and what do kids see? its not like they're not going to see it on tv, cause with entertainment tonight or mtv news or e! its all thats ever on tv. we focus on celebrity fuck-ups and the coinciding celebrity get-off-the-hooks. so what kind of lesson is this teaching? its saying go do drugs, cheat your way through life, look at them, she went to jail for a day. big deal. fuck the media and im glad people got pissed off at a-rod and michael phelps. they should have better judgement.
now on a more personal note, i had a voicemail from my mom today saying my step-dads grandma (i suppose she'd be my great grandma) has cancer again. this is a sad thing, shes been dealing with it for over a year now and we all kind of thought she was getting better. i mean this is something you kind of see coming, everyone gets old and everyone passes away eventually, but the news she got disturbed me. apparently if she goes through kemo again she has 8-12 months to live, if she doesn't she has 3-6 months. how can someone say that to you? what in the fuck would you do? i wanted to call her and talk to her about this but i felt it would be too hard to do. how do you put time restraints on the biggest of life issues and then how do you handle it. in this situation, shes an elderly lady and shes struggled with kemo before, she feels like shit after she does it every time. so i want to know if she'd be worth doing it again. shes lived a long mostly-healthy life and i suppose that if i were in her situation it comes down to are you happy with what youve done in your life? i think that makes this decision the hardest, cause if you're not happy with your life then how do you say good bye to it? but if you are happy with it, then maybe its time to enjoy life and let things happen as they happen. enjoy life and dont struggle. you dont always have to go out fighting as long as you won the first 14 rounds.
i think this can be applied to every-day life now that i think about it, as a matter of a fact i did use this earlier today and i just pray to god the person i brought up to didnt see it as a sympathy card i was trying to play to win her over. but if you work at something for a long time that is a huge part of your life, i think its so much easier to let go when you can look back on it and smile. if you look back on it and smile, cry, get mad, and feel awkward all at once, then maybe its not time to hang it up, maybe you make that last push and hope that you can go the extra little bit and then quit with a smile on your face.
thanks for reading. jc.
a welcome that lacks self esteem
i dont know where to begin. this is something ive considered doing for a while, i liked when tom gabel did it and i know a few people i know have these too. i know its pretty lame when it comes to 'blogging,' hell, all i can think of is the fucking twix commercials right now and thats really lame. but i think theres something remarkable about the internet in which people from all over can read what you have to say without ever having met you in person. i feel i have a lot to say, and in the words of david mcwane 'they say that youth, well the only tragedy, is being unoriginal' so if i have stuff to say, i feel i should say it. and i feel i have an interesting way of writing and the reaction ive got from my writing in the past warrants this opinion, so i hope im right and dont sound conceited. i dont know if im going to advertise this thing at all, or how often ill write on it, people may never know it even exists, but oh well. so be it.
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