well this will probably end up very long and if you make it to the end of it, i appreciate it
its sad, a few days ago i was convinced i was finally getting back to my normal self after my winter-recess breakdown haha
alcohol has always been an issue with me. back when i was younger i hated it, i truley thought it was evil and i was this way up until a couple years ago. and i dont know what caused it, whether it be me just gorwing up and going through the phase most kids do, or my constant pretending that i have thicker skin than i actually do and starting to drink just to not be an outsider, or whatever. ive drank rather heavily the past 2 years, the past 7 months especially.
i still have never done a single drug and that im proud of. but ive been close, ive really considered. ive been offered to smoke many times, i lived next to a dealer last year, ive had aderole held up to me in a tube to snort, hell i even had a line of coke in front of my face in the backseat of a car whos driver i had never met before. shit's bad and im glad i never caved.
but alcohol over the past few days has got my head spinning. is it worth it? how many bad things have come from it in most peoples lives compared to the amount of good things? are the good things really that great either? you have fun, and sometimes dont even remember having fun. you can do that without alcohol (or at least i hope you can)
but theres two kinds of mistakes you can make, near mistakes and actual mistakes. near mistakes being somebody stopped you or was looking out for you so you didnt do something like have sex with somebody for a bottle of alcohol, or beat somebody up in your driveway cause he trashed your house which would lead to a lawsuite. that shit is a good bad, cause you avoided shit hitting the fan
but lets look at it this way
maybe when you were young you couldnt handle your liquor and ended up face first in a ditch
and maybe that new years you ended up having yoru friend carry you out of a basement cause you couldnt walk
and then maybe that 4th of july you drank so much at that same friend's band's show that you had to go to the hospital
or maybe one of your first times drinking you ended up hiding in a closet in a bathing suite cause the cops broke up the party and you didnt wanna get caught
and maybe your friend did get caught but her older sister got away
and maybe another night years down the road she got really drunk and had sex with somebody who meant nothing to her
or maybe that guy who fucked her thought it didnt matter, it was a spur of the moment thing, even though he knew one of his close friends really cared about her
so maybe he tells his friend one night when hes drinking too much cause hes depressed about her
so maybe that idiot flips out and drives home drunk and almost dies during the process
and maybe that girl tells him he shouldnt drink so much cause she doesnt like how he is when he drinks, but he keeps drinking anyways
and maybe he doesnt stop for 35 days.
or maybe one day you got fucked up and decided to start trashing somebodys house.
maybe you thought it was funny so you made a habit of it.
maybe one night you were out of control and your friend tried to stop you.
and maybe that friend was too drunk that he just joined in, and broke his knuckle punching a fridge.
and maybe the owner of the fridge thinks its funny.
so maybe one night he broke the window of his best friend's apartment and blamed it on somebody else, only sacking up to it later on.
and then maybe he went back to the fridge guy's house last night and decided itd be funny to wreck his house.
but maybe the kid caught you midway so you flipped out and punched a hole in the wall.
maybe you dont know where your life is going so you drink to get away from it.
and maybe you drink too much that you find yourself in the living room of your boyfriends house crying and asking why he hates you cause youre too drunk to reason with
and maybe your boyfriend flips out one night cause you did the responsible thing and didnt want to drink and drive to pick him up at the bowling alley
so maybe a few days later he doesnt know what do aobut her so just drinks nonstop and ends up just driving around buffalo?
or maybe you were helping friends who were at the bar and couldnt drive, and you went to pick them up
and maybe they bought you a drink and on the way home you got a dwi for trying to be the nice guy
or maybe you ruined fathers day cause you drank too much of his liquor and his house was wrecked and he had to clean it up
but maybe he had it coming to him deep down cause he was a nasty drunk for years
and maybe at one point he would get so drunk him and his wife would fight so bad he'd push her down the stairs or the cops would come.
and maybe they got divorced and it fucked his son up for the rest of his life?
wheres the good in any of that?
it makes me want to consider never drinking again. will this happen though? probably not. i like it too much, its become a good way to escape my problems. it can be an immaculate stimulant or a terrifying depressant
i dont know, its food for thought, but so many things can go wrong it just doesnt seem worth it.
case in point--limousine (ms rebridge) katey flynn.
i told you it'd end up long. holy shit.if you made it till the end, thanks for reading
jc
currently listening to: the devil and god are raging inside me and praying for a new albumand pinkerton
