dying.

i dont know where my good mood i had monday went but after a conversation with somebody that was a lot more thought provoking than i thought i could get out of him, im very confused and rather troubled about life right now. ive been discovering a lot about myself lately and today i think i figured out quiet a bit

does anyone know where we go after we die? no. will anyone ever? no.

its scary. its really truely scary. one can put their hope in faith and you can hope religion has taught you right, but who really knows? years ago religion told us the earth was the center of the universe and that god created man and evolution wasnt possible. now we know both of these are not true, so who knows where science will take us with our beliefs in the next hundred years (if the earth makes it that long)

ive been lucky enough personally that i havent had to be at a funeral in some time. the last time was 4 years ago when jeremy krencik passed away. unfortunately this year doesnt look so promising as the past couple, with my step dad's grandma being told how long she has to live, and even with the freak plane crash that happened last night killing someone i graduated with. and it really bothers me with people my age dying. its happened to me twice now and both times ive felt incredibly disenfranchised with the people around me and the way my age group has handled it. i may sound arrogant with what im going to say but its not my intentions at all, by no means am i trying to tarnish jeremy or beth's memorys, but i just wish people my age would handle it differently

im not scared of dying. im really not. ive often said this too. but what i am scared of is what will happen after i die. not in the 'jesus christ im not scared to die' jtl way, but in the my memory way. i was so mad when jeremy died because of how people reacted. suddenly he was everybodys best friend. bullshit. i hung out with the kid like 2 times and wrestled with him for two years and i knew him better than some of the people saying these things. it was so fucked up. dont pretend to be attatched to him so you can morn with the people who WERE attatched to him. and the same thing is happening today. im seeing away messages and status messages and what not like 'oh i cant believe this, ill miss you' and im sorry but no. i honestly can not remember the last time i talked to beth, which is sad to say, yes i know, and yes i did know her when i was younger, i talked to her a lot growing up, we were on the same bus. but im not going to pretend im heartbroken over this. im more troubled than anything. i would never want this to happen to me. maybe thats why i keep to myself most of the time, cause i dont want people to pretend they were my best friend if i were to die. im so scared of this. i only want the people who really truley cared about me every day i was alive to morn my death, i dont need other people being emotionally hurt when theres no need for them to be.

this being said, im so scared right now that a couple of the people i love the most in life arent getting along with me. what something happened to one of us when things arent resolved? how would those people or how would i feel? where do you go then? do you just feel like shit your whole life? i imagine it would be tough to focus on the good times.

another thing that really is bothering me is memories. jeremy in specific really bothers me. i remember the nigth after he died his dad was on the news (ch 7 i think) and he said 'i just dont want people to forget about him' and i remember talking about it at a wrestling meeting for his funeral the next day and tom caldwell said in a sort of call-response way 'dont worry, we wont.' is this true? im worried the people who were really close to him have forgotten about him to an extent. im sure he still creeps up into their memory now and then, but probably in a completely different way. i mean i know i have, i think about him a lot though just in ways like this, ways that bother me and scare me. i saw his dad at work about a month ago and i couldnt even go up and say hi to him, i was terrified. this all just scares me so much cause im so scared of being forgotten. i would love to die at some point where i have somehting for people to always remember me by, but most people dont have this privelage.

im just so scared of what happens when you die. maybe the world ending isnt a bad thing, that way people die and theres no morning, no sadness, no time to forget.

my heart really does go out to beth's family, and i by no means am trying to offend, im just trying to figure out my own insecurities here, it really is a scary thing.

life and lives

so tonight on the daily show, jon was doing his typica mix and mash editing to make our new president, or 'jesus' as some people like to refer to him, look like a fool. so be it, i have no problem with this, people need to realize the guy isn't our savior just yet (not saying he might not be at one point but right now....nah not yet) and if the daily show is what does it, then thats fine. but he got to a clip where a reporter asked him about steroids in baseball. jon didnt show the response, but they had showed it the night before on sports center (my roommate watches it religiously). and for the first time im willing to admit, i liked his response, i really did. he commented on how he feels kids should see this as a sign that you cant take shortcuts to get what you want and that he wishes athletes like A-Rod were better role models to kids. during the mike and mike show, i caught that basketball announcer who does the ncaa tournament, his name escapes me, but he went off on this thing. he got pissed off, shouting about how rodriguez and phelps and other celebrities are disgusting role models and you know what, hes fucking right. this is the first time ive ever been happy with the way television has handled a celebrity issue. but really.

this is whats wrong with america.

the fact that over-paid entertainment acts like pacman jones or paris hilton can feel like they can do whatever they want and get away with it is disgusting. and what do kids see? its not like they're not going to see it on tv, cause with entertainment tonight or mtv news or e! its all thats ever on tv. we focus on celebrity fuck-ups and the coinciding celebrity get-off-the-hooks. so what kind of lesson is this teaching? its saying go do drugs, cheat your way through life, look at them, she went to jail for a day. big deal. fuck the media and im glad people got pissed off at a-rod and michael phelps. they should have better judgement.

now on a more personal note, i had a voicemail from my mom today saying my step-dads grandma (i suppose she'd be my great grandma) has cancer again. this is a sad thing, shes been dealing with it for over a year now and we all kind of thought she was getting better. i mean this is something you kind of see coming, everyone gets old and everyone passes away eventually, but the news she got disturbed me. apparently if she goes through kemo again she has 8-12 months to live, if she doesn't she has 3-6 months. how can someone say that to you? what in the fuck would you do? i wanted to call her and talk to her about this but i felt it would be too hard to do. how do you put time restraints on the biggest of life issues and then how do you handle it. in this situation, shes an elderly lady and shes struggled with kemo before, she feels like shit after she does it every time. so i want to know if she'd be worth doing it again. shes lived a long mostly-healthy life and i suppose that if i were in her situation it comes down to are you happy with what youve done in your life? i think that makes this decision the hardest, cause if you're not happy with your life then how do you say good bye to it? but if you are happy with it, then maybe its time to enjoy life and let things happen as they happen. enjoy life and dont struggle. you dont always have to go out fighting as long as you won the first 14 rounds.

i think this can be applied to every-day life now that i think about it, as a matter of a fact i did use this earlier today and i just pray to god the person i brought up to didnt see it as a sympathy card i was trying to play to win her over. but if you work at something for a long time that is a huge part of your life, i think its so much easier to let go when you can look back on it and smile. if you look back on it and smile, cry, get mad, and feel awkward all at once, then maybe its not time to hang it up, maybe you make that last push and hope that you can go the extra little bit and then quit with a smile on your face.

thanks for reading. jc.

a welcome that lacks self esteem

i dont know where to begin. this is something ive considered doing for a while, i liked when tom gabel did it and i know a few people i know have these too. i know its pretty lame when it comes to 'blogging,' hell, all i can think of is the fucking twix commercials right now and thats really lame. but i think theres something remarkable about the internet in which people from all over can read what you have to say without ever having met you in person. i feel i have a lot to say, and in the words of david mcwane 'they say that youth, well the only tragedy, is being unoriginal' so if i have stuff to say, i feel i should say it. and i feel i have an interesting way of writing and the reaction ive got from my writing in the past warrants this opinion, so i hope im right and dont sound conceited. i dont know if im going to advertise this thing at all, or how often ill write on it, people may never know it even exists, but oh well. so be it.