love.

first of all. this is not a review of tom delonge's latest musical bowel movement.

it's hard to pin down what exactly love is. i've been listening to this band "noah and the whale" a lot lately, and it's pretty much the topic of their discography. one album, the up-side of love, and the other, the down-side of love. now i'll probably reference this band a lot throughout this piece of literature because they have really had a profound effect on my life. the first time i heard them came at the perfect time for me, and their first album (second that i heard) really hits me where i am now.

i've heard a lot about love. i've heard that your first love is second only to your "true love" and that love is something that comes and goes. i've also heard that love is only true when it's unconditional and shared by both parties. fuck all of that.

from what i've discovered, true love is something that will never ever go away; no matter how upset you are with someone, no matter how much you hate how they are acting, how they are treating you, or how resentful you are. if you experienced the feeling of true love it will never ever ever ever ever go away.

i'll share an example that doesn't so much involve myself. i've spoken before in my various writings about my parents and their seemingly lack of love for one another. my entire life they have hated each other, they have argued with each other through me, they have despised each other and done whatever they could to "stick it" to the other.

but.

i am a firm believer, no matter what anyone says, that a drunken state of emotion can be one of the most honest any human being may ever share. alcohol may have been the undoing of my parents because my mom doesn't drink and my dad has two distinct sides to him when he does. he is either very loving or very resentful and very angry. one night this past summer, talking financial woes, my father told me that he hates his relationship with my mom but no matter what transpired he still loves her deep down and thinks he always will. true love.

no matter what transpires and what terrible emotions that one feels towards someone, if they truly loved that someone they will forever. now that's not to say that one can only love once. i don't know if that's true, and i hope to God at this point that it isn't. i would like to experience true love again, this time one that is unconditionally shared. it's hard to love when it is conditional coming from the other direction.

now that's not to say there wasn't love with me, i believe there truly was, and will till the day i die. i have so many memories that creep up that remind me there was. but over the past month or so i've been bitter at these memories. i've shunned them and said they were all bullshit and that it was two different people. now it may have been different sides of two people, but i don't want to shun those feelings, cause they were real when they happened, and nothing can ever take those away.

i feel charlie fink didn't mean it when he said "i don't think that i ever loved you" on the final track of "first days of spring." no, i feel he was bitter when he wrote and sung that line. he's over the situation and wants to put a period on it. but he was wrong in the way he did. he shouldn't have pretended the "love love love" he sang about on "5 years time" was fake. it clearly wasn't. and every time i hear the title track of "first days of spring" i kinda choke up a bit at the chorus. "for i'm still here hoping that one day you may come back." it's tough. because it's hard to find the balance.

i no longer dwell on what i guess would be my "first love" and i've been very resentful of it as of late, and when i hear that line, i believe it and i relate to it. but i don't really believe that i want that person back. no instead i believe i long for the feelings in the memories i cherish.

now one problem with love ending is the way it goes about. often times people only focus on the negative, the bad side of things. and that will leave a stale taste in one's mouth. don't. i can't think of anything worse than when asked "do you ever miss me?" the response is "no." it's done out of bitterness and anger, and it's unnecessary. don't deny something that at a point in life was something that honestly made you happy.

true love is something that will never ever go away, and focusing only on the negative is foolish. great memories and great feelings shouldn't be ignored, but they should be recognized as what they are. memories. they aren't the present day.

i feel i will always love what i felt and i'm not going to pretend it's not true, but i'm over it. i recognize it for what it is. a great feeling i will always share--but it's not real life anymore.

true love is an incredible thing and hopefully one day everyone, myself included, will be able to experience unconditional, shared feelings with someone.

life is pretty great.

currently listening to:
noah and the whale.peaceful the world lays me down