the only memory i have of my parents being happy.

it struck me today as i was walking home from the bar. i stepped on a particularly crunchy leaf and it all came back to me. i had forgotten about it for quiet some time.....long enough that ive been saying for a while now that i have no memories of my parents being happy.

i was raking leaves with my dad in the backyard under the big tree that stands next to where the pool is now. of course, it wasnt there back then, my dad didnt have the money he has now. we raked everything into a massive pile, the biggest i had ever seen. and we stood there and we admired it. of course, i didnt do any raking, i pretended to, cause, like that rodney atkins song 'watching you,' i just wanted to admire my dad, thats what kids do. and one of us, i cant remember who, suddenly decides 'oh no, mom might be home soon, lets hide!'

so of course, we have this big pile of leaves. why not put it to use? thats where we're hiding. i remember i got in first, and i asked my dad if he could see me. of course he said no, and then he went up to the house to write my mom a note that we're in the backyard and to come find us.

my dad gets in the pile of leaves too, and i ask if hes totally hidden too and of course he says yes. was he? who knows. he might have just been doing that 'dad' thing and saying yes, knowing my mom would do that 'mom' thing and pretend she cant see him. but that doesnt matter, i was little and i believed him. mom came home, played dumb, we jumped out and scared her. there was a good laugh between all 3 of us, and then the rest of this memory fades off into the abiss. but i feel its important that this came back to me. im on the verge of tears just writing this down, i feel that the lack of these memories contributes so much to who i am.

but maybe this memory, seeing it was still etched away in my mind, is the reason i like fall so much. i mean, ive had a lot of awful....and i mean awful...things happen to me in the past few weeks and ive been pretty upbeat. ive been able to handle them well and-minus one night-ive taken everything in stride. these are things that would have, say last winter or during the early august mind-loss's ive had the past few years, driven me crazy and broke me down. maybe the reason i havent is because of this memory, because of a memory of everything being ok and happy and fun. and im sure the prospect of the new school year and football season and all those things adds to it, but i cant help but feel like that memory has so much to do with how im always upbeat this time of year.

and maybe thats why i cant let a relationship go. because of my parents. because i dont want what happened to them to happen to me. i dont want anyone to be left without any memories of happiness. but this is a double edged sword, because if i want that, when im trying to get over somebody or something, the happy memories always come in and break me down and i want them all over again.

i mean, i dont want to blame my parents-or anybody-for how down i get or how crazy my head is....but i just cant help but think that this kind of thing has so much to do with it.

--jc.
currently reading: the gipsy mile (david mcwane)
currently listening: pinkerton (weezer) brothers blood (kevin devine)