dying.

i dont know where my good mood i had monday went but after a conversation with somebody that was a lot more thought provoking than i thought i could get out of him, im very confused and rather troubled about life right now. ive been discovering a lot about myself lately and today i think i figured out quiet a bit

does anyone know where we go after we die? no. will anyone ever? no.

its scary. its really truely scary. one can put their hope in faith and you can hope religion has taught you right, but who really knows? years ago religion told us the earth was the center of the universe and that god created man and evolution wasnt possible. now we know both of these are not true, so who knows where science will take us with our beliefs in the next hundred years (if the earth makes it that long)

ive been lucky enough personally that i havent had to be at a funeral in some time. the last time was 4 years ago when jeremy krencik passed away. unfortunately this year doesnt look so promising as the past couple, with my step dad's grandma being told how long she has to live, and even with the freak plane crash that happened last night killing someone i graduated with. and it really bothers me with people my age dying. its happened to me twice now and both times ive felt incredibly disenfranchised with the people around me and the way my age group has handled it. i may sound arrogant with what im going to say but its not my intentions at all, by no means am i trying to tarnish jeremy or beth's memorys, but i just wish people my age would handle it differently

im not scared of dying. im really not. ive often said this too. but what i am scared of is what will happen after i die. not in the 'jesus christ im not scared to die' jtl way, but in the my memory way. i was so mad when jeremy died because of how people reacted. suddenly he was everybodys best friend. bullshit. i hung out with the kid like 2 times and wrestled with him for two years and i knew him better than some of the people saying these things. it was so fucked up. dont pretend to be attatched to him so you can morn with the people who WERE attatched to him. and the same thing is happening today. im seeing away messages and status messages and what not like 'oh i cant believe this, ill miss you' and im sorry but no. i honestly can not remember the last time i talked to beth, which is sad to say, yes i know, and yes i did know her when i was younger, i talked to her a lot growing up, we were on the same bus. but im not going to pretend im heartbroken over this. im more troubled than anything. i would never want this to happen to me. maybe thats why i keep to myself most of the time, cause i dont want people to pretend they were my best friend if i were to die. im so scared of this. i only want the people who really truley cared about me every day i was alive to morn my death, i dont need other people being emotionally hurt when theres no need for them to be.

this being said, im so scared right now that a couple of the people i love the most in life arent getting along with me. what something happened to one of us when things arent resolved? how would those people or how would i feel? where do you go then? do you just feel like shit your whole life? i imagine it would be tough to focus on the good times.

another thing that really is bothering me is memories. jeremy in specific really bothers me. i remember the nigth after he died his dad was on the news (ch 7 i think) and he said 'i just dont want people to forget about him' and i remember talking about it at a wrestling meeting for his funeral the next day and tom caldwell said in a sort of call-response way 'dont worry, we wont.' is this true? im worried the people who were really close to him have forgotten about him to an extent. im sure he still creeps up into their memory now and then, but probably in a completely different way. i mean i know i have, i think about him a lot though just in ways like this, ways that bother me and scare me. i saw his dad at work about a month ago and i couldnt even go up and say hi to him, i was terrified. this all just scares me so much cause im so scared of being forgotten. i would love to die at some point where i have somehting for people to always remember me by, but most people dont have this privelage.

im just so scared of what happens when you die. maybe the world ending isnt a bad thing, that way people die and theres no morning, no sadness, no time to forget.

my heart really does go out to beth's family, and i by no means am trying to offend, im just trying to figure out my own insecurities here, it really is a scary thing.